Sort your Head Out!

2003-09-10T05:51:00.000-07:00

Still do not feel any better, so stressed. Popped up old man Stueys yesterday, just for a smoke. Needed it as I was so stressed. Lisa was down when I got in, but denied it and wouldn't talk about it, so once again I was left wondering what was wrong. So frustrating, before Lisa went to Spain I said that if she came back I would be expecting her to communicate more about how she feels about things, not just us, but life in general, and she agreed. When she came back - no change. Relate told her that she had to learn to communicate more, still no difference, and until she does I am stuck on the proverbial emotional rollercoaster. I mentioned it again the other night, but although she says yes, she still wont communicate. How can we sort things out if we cant talk. I had to pull her up a bit sharply the other night. I was trying to get some communication going, without much luck, if my voice raises even an octave, she has a go at me, but then proceeds to shout at me and is very sarcastic/plain nasty about it. I had to tell her that she cant talk to people like that and needs to learn how to talk to human beings. At least I got an apology out of her. Lisa thinks that actions speak louder than words and she does not want to talk about things anymore. But this is a smoke screen that allows her to get away with not communicating. If we are to fix things, YES - some actions will help, but with some of the core things, we need to talk before acting, or we will make things worse.

2003-09-08T02:54:00.000-07:00

god I hate mondays!!!!
Not too bad a weekend, Jasons stag weekend, which was a laugh, though was a bit fragile when we got back Sun afternoon. Lisa sounded really down when I rang her, so sent her a nice text to try and make her feel a little bit better, no reply....
Had quite a nice afternoon Sun, just took it very easy, both of us very delicate after the stag/hen nights. Just got a pizza in, and chilled out with a video. We were meant to be discussing sleeping arrangements this weekend, but although it is very important to me, I left it, why stress both of us out, when we are trying to relax. Still plagued with doubts about everything, I think that alot of it is coming from the way I feel about Lisa's reasons for wanting to give it another go. Not wanting to make a mistake is not enough for me at the moment, which is why I am so stressed. I am on a rollercoaster emotionally, one minute I am 10 seconds away from ending it and next minute 10 secs away from marrying her! This is not doing me or her any good, but my insecurities are based on the lack of communication between us, and I am not sure what SHE is doing to save the relationship. I will give it my all, and do whatever I can, without expecting anything from Lisa back, but only for a little while, if she doesn't start giving something back soon then I will have to re-evaluate everything. But this in itself causes problems, I know I am giving so much more than Lisa at the moment, but why is this. This is the bit where I get confused and unsure what to do. I think Lisa is not treating me at all well at the moment, but I do not know why....
It could be one of many reasons...
She is using me - Lisa has no confidence, and I do not feel that she really wants to be with me. She could be using me to get through her treatment, and then once she feels more confident might want to move on. She is too plagued by doubts at the moment to know what is best.
She is trying to force my hand into ending it as she can't
The lack of a physical relationship, even though she has stated that we need to try and have one, she is not responding to anything I try..
The total lack of communication between us, just the fact that she backs away if I try and talk about things speaks volumes..
Her treatment - what the fuck do I do about this, am I better trying to support her through it as a friend or as her partner, and how much of her present frame of mind is related to this...

With the upcoming treatment my options are limited, I do not feel I can kick her out to her mums, but feel that in some ways is what she needs, or what I think she needs, in my present depressed frame of mind. All that is still coming from the fact that for me, her reasons are not enough. But no matter how i feel, I need to be there for her with everything that is coming up, so that I can support her through it. I am not finding this easy, existing in a relationship where one half does not know if they want to be with you, and yet still expects everything from you! In the meantime I have to just grin and bear it for as long as possible, as I feel I cant do anything about it at the moment.
Have to see Laura tonight to talk about Canada, that will not go well after the mail she sent me - see below.....

Martin,

About Canada - I understand that you want to reassess your priorities and
I admire you for still working at your relationship when you're feeling so
down.
However, forget the wedding - I'll be really upset if you can't make it, of
course, but I'm not going to coerce anyone into coming, it's entirely up to
you.
What I'm concerned about is that, yet again, you seem to be the one making
all
the sacrifices and I can't believe that you're prepared to miss out on your
snowboarding.

I may be totally out of line here and I apologise if that's the case - we
sometimes only get one side of the story, but it seems that when Lisa wanted
to spend money on the house - you spent money on the house; when Lisa wanted
to spend money on expensive holidays - you spent money on holidays; now that
Lisa wants to spend money on going out - you're spending money on that.
That's all fine, but why should you have to sacrifice the one thing (other
than
football) that you really enjoy doing to achieve that. WHAT ABOUT WHAT
YOU WANT !!!???

When Lisa wants to spend money on things she wants such as clothes, does she

stop herself and put the money aside to spend on you instead ???
I wasn't angry with Lisa before about any of this, but I am now. It seems
as if
it's always you making all the effort, while she doesn't have to give up
anything!!!

There's no way that you alone can maintain the level of spending that you've

been doing for the past two months, with or without Canada. Is Lisa going
to
be contributing more towards the 'going out' funds. I presume that Lisa has

cancelled her India trip next year ??

I may be wrong, maybe Lisa is making more of an effort and is prepared to
make
sacrifices of her own. In which case I'm truly sorry if I've offended you
with
any of this. Saving your relationship is obviously the most important thing
happening in your life at the moment. But, there are other aspects of your
life
which you should try to maintain if you're to have a balanced, happy life,
and that
includes your own hobbies and interests as well as those you have as a
couple.

I know that Canada is going to be lower down on your priorities and, whilst
I don't
want to pile on additional pressure or guilt (I said I wouldn't try to
coerce you didn't
I......I lied), Steve and I will be extremely sad if you're not there at the
wedding - this
is a once in a lifetime trip that we want you to be part of.

Just to make matters worse, I don't think I can give you until December to
decide
either. Unfortunately, with Ian not coming now, I need to re-shuffle the
occupants
of rooms around again. I'm going to ditch the idea of moving you all into
the apartment
during the second week, which means I need to re-book hotel rooms. The
longer I leave
it, the less likely there are to be free rooms. I may be able to get
someone else to
fill Ian's place, but I can't do this until I know exactly who is coming and
for how long.
I also need to book the ski packs. As you can see, there's quite a bit of
organising
still to do and each time I change the booking now I will get charged.....
Could you let me know by the 19th Sep if either Lisa or you aren't coming ??

Please forgive me if you think I've been out of order - I woke up extremely
early this
morning, feeling angry, thinking about this - started composing this email
in my sleep,
carried on composing it for about half an hour, lying awake staring at the
ceiling and even
came in to work early to write it down before I forgot it all. I've had to
re-write it
about a dozen times so as to try not to offend you, but I guess the end
result still might....

...it won't be the same if you don't come Martin.

Laura Horwood
Systems Developer
Pensions Programme
Legal & General
Internal: 7234 4489
External: 020 8774 4489
Email: Laura.Horwood@landg.com

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Ouch, need her to calm down, or this will make things very difficult to fix, the last thing I need is for her to refuse to see laura....

2003-09-05T06:42:00.000-07:00

Stressed!!!!
Just had a mail from Laura, she is not very happy about the fact that we might miss her wedding in Canada next year. Don't want to, but have to face up to a few things, Lisa and I need to go out and have fun, we have had a nightmare last couple of months, but as long as I am putting away Â£300 a month for the holiday, we can not afford to go out. I am broke till the end of the month, another month sitting in, how are we going to generate positive memories if we are stuck in all the time. Will have to see Laura Mon to talk about it....

2003-09-05T02:59:00.000-07:00

05/09/03 - Bad Start to the day! 12/8

Hopefully by getting rid of all my negative shit, it might help me to stay positive for Lisa, as I am really struggling with the belief that we can repair things, just maybe, by offloading here I can sort my head out and be more positive.

It was waking up that set me off on a bad one, that 1st half second when you open your eyes and for a moment everything is OK and then it all comes crashing down around you. Where is Lisa, has she gone to the loo? Then you remember, she is sleeping in the other room - ouch, that really hurts. We will talk this weekend and see if sleeping in separate rooms helps, its odds on that she will say yes, so it looks like this situation will go on for a while yet, I should be happy that I am helping her/us, so why does it feel like I am being punished when I have done nothing wrong. This is only the second night of separate rooms and I am having trouble coping with it. I will stick with it for as long as I can, but feel it is only putting more distance between us at a time when we need to be getting as close as possible in preparation for her treatment that is coming up.At least we had a nice cuddle last night before I got up and went into the spare room, I am so loathe to give up on that, it is the one thing we have always been able to do, no matter how bad things get, neither of us feel threatened by it, and it is something we both miss when it doesn't happen. the only problem is that if I am going into her room for a cuddle, it makes it a bit difficult to re-produce that dating feeling. I am itching for a snog, but daren't push it too far, even though we both know that we need to get some very basic form of intimacy back into our lives, it is so difficult after some of the things that have been said. How do you go about trying to get somethig going when your partner doesn't know if she loves you in the right way, isn't sure if she wants to be with you, doesnt feel attracted to me, it makes it very hard to try, and if I do, i am so tense waiting for the rejection that it defeats the object of trying in the first place.
I really need to try and calm down about the whole thing, but cannot seem to take a step back and chill. The anxiety, stress, angst, they rule my life at the moment, to the point where at times I am incapable of functioning as a human being. I was in floods of tears this morning and that hasn't happened for weeks, not since this whole nasty business kicked off. I am on the worst emotional rollercoaster I have been ever on in my entire life and feel that bit by bit I am losing the plot. How do you hold a relationship together with only one person committed to it. Lisa is trying, but because of where her head is at , she doesn't have a clue how hurtful some of her actions are at the moment, and although she wants to work things out, is not committed in the same way, as she does not know which way it will go.
We were visiting friends last night, not easy, they get married next weekend, and were full of the joys of life, poor Tina was wired, stressed about the wedding and hen night, and joking about mine and Lisa's, if only we could get that far! We always thought we would be the first to marry, now if we make it, we will be the last (if we are lucky)
I can ot shake off the negativity at the moment, I am far too aware of all the things that are not happening, and each one is like a dagger blow, and sets me off on a black one, the very limited physical contact between us, Lisa and I have always been a very touchy feely couple, not sexual,we just like to hold hands alot, and usually if in the same room, part of our bodies will be touching in some way. That has always been a relationship strong point, and I so miss it at the moment. Last night she was closed to me totally, no holding hands walking up the road, I have never seen her walk so fast in my life! Once arrived, no conversation between us, all my attempts were answered with one word replies, 10% of our normal physical contact, despite me giving her enough opportunities, the sitting apart on the couch was killing me inside, andshe rejected my ideas for things we could do, I am trying to find different things for us to do, to try and get some fun in our relationship, but need help from her and it is not forthcoming.
I am too reliant on her moods, and need to find myself again. The slightest perceived setback has me spiralling down into a black mood, where I can then see no hope and my whole life sliding down the pan, I get angry, very hurt, and always consider ending it, even though that is the last thing I want. It is so hard to try and hold a relationship together on blind faith alone, it feels like I am taking such a risk, and am constantly braced for getting hurt. When something good happens, like a cuddle, or she grabs my hand, my whole mood soars and everything is OK again. that is the level of insecurity that is crippling me at the moment, I need to find an answer fast to this, as I am slowly cracking up, and will drive us apart just through not being able to think positively. catch 22, how can you feel good and try to fix things when you are crippled by fear of losing the one thing that matters more than anything?
Better do some work now!!!